When You Can’t Contain What You’re Trying to Carry

I wonder how many times the tile of a bathroom floor has caught the tears of a mother? A mother who has stolen away from the world just long enough to let the hurts and hang ups of life escape out of her heart and soul and run down her cheeks,  caught by the tile floor. The tile that offers no comfort and is as cold as hearts that cause pain. A mother who steals away into the solitude of the bathroom because she wants to keep her kids from the knowing. The knowing of the gritty reality that life hurts. And sometimes in the midst of it all, grace is hard to see. Next to impossible to feel. A mother who wants to keep her babies far from the pain, so she locks herself far from her babies.

I wonder how many mothers have visited the deceptive warmth and solitude of this isolated sanctuary. This cold, hard place that can make hope seem like a memory and faith like a bad joke.

Maybe if we would come out of our pretend sanctuary and step into the sanctity of God’s grace, and trust Him enough to bear our souls with one another a little more – maybe we wouldn’t feel so alone. Maybe we wouldn’t have so many tears spill onto the solid surfaces of our lives – the cold tiles and the cold hearts.


Maybe if we realized that our trust never belonged in anyone but Him…

No matter the maybes, the one thing that is…

we may have felt alone, but we never were, never are. And every tear that slipped from the edge of our eyes, as proof that we could no longer hold what we were trying to contain – every. single. tear. was counted. And the end returns to the beginning in the eternal truth that we were never meant to carry the weight of the world.

And that’s why we can’t.  He has always known, and always been ready to exchange our yolk for His, our grace for His, our strength for His. The one question that seems to always remain – will we say yes? Will we put our hope in God? Will we make the decision to praise, while the tiles collect the tears?

“As a deer longs for streams of water, so I long for You, God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while all day long people say to me, “Where is your God? ” I remember this as I pour out my heart: how I walked with many, leading the festive procession to the house of God, with joyful and thankful shouts. Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God. I am deeply depressed; therefore I remember You from the land of Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your billows have swept over me. The Lord will send His faithful love by day; His song will be with me in the night — a prayer to the God of my life. I will say to God, my rock, “Why have You forgotten me? Why must I go about in sorrow because of the enemy’s oppression? ” My adversaries taunt me, as if crushing my bones, while all day long they say to me, “Where is your God? ” Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42:1-11‬


The Web of the Spirit

Lately I have been feeling a thirst for the Psalms in my spirit. Maybe that is because they are so full of everything that encompasses this human experience – hope, joy, peace, hurt, heartache.

Often it seems that the Holy Spirit is the least understood and least utilized of the Trinity between believers. When you start talking about the Holy Spirit or the Holy Ghost people who are not “sold out” for Christ often get uncomfortable. That saddens me. If people only knew the depth and fullness that the Holy Ghost can bring to your life and your relationship with Christ….

In the James Cameron movie Avatar the “higher power” or diety is Eywa. She is made up of all living things. Her power runs throughout their land in an interconnected web made up of nuero trasnmitters. This is all centralized in the mother tree, a place where all the spokes of this web kind of come together. The Na’vi people have tails that they plug into this web and allows them to bring balance to things like wild horses or wild flying creatures and control those things. So where am I going with all of this? That is what the Holy Spirit is – it is an interconnected web that all leads toward the Father and the Son. In the web of life that is the Holy Spirit, I find time and time again that God will use the Spirit to start me on an assignment or give me revelation about something and throughout my day and week I will see that theme reinforced over and over and over. This brings me back to Pslams and David. Earlier this week I was looking for scriptures on identity and it took me to Pslams. And then I was looking for scripture on moods and it took me to Psalms. This morning my e-mail devotional (which I hardly ever read by the way) took me…guess where? – you got it – to Pslams. God is pointing me in the direction he needs me to go to find what it is I need right now. And I feel my soul thirsting for it. I have never read the book of Pslams. This has happened to me before – the Holy Ghost has taken me to the book of Acts and the book of 1 Corinthians. Did I ever finish these assignments? No. So what happens when you don’t follow through with the assignment that God lays on your heart? You miss a blessing. I don’t know what blessings I missed but I know I missed them. All because of my lack of follow through, my inability to be faithful when I don’t FEEL like it, my inability to be faithful when I don’t feel covered in the peace and joy of God. I have to get consistent. God has been ministering this to me for quite sometime.    And I have really got to listen. I am tired of missing out on blessings, on opportunities all because I can’t get consistent. I can’t be a finisher. The word says in Ecclesiastes that the end of a thing is better then the beginning. And I know this. But what have I ever finished?

I thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit. I thank God for the way it drops things throughout my day and week through it’s interconnected web. I thank God for the way the web of the Spirit connects those who are in the body with me – the way we all say the same things even when we say them differently. I thank God for the current that runs through the web of the Spirit. Always below the surface trying to bring forth God’s glory and His will through unity. I want to be a finisher. I want to be in unity with MYSELF and with other believers.

God showed me where to start – but will I find the tenacity to finish? That is today, and has always been, the real question.