Are You There God, It’s Me, Rebecca…..

For the past for weeks I have been going through a weird time, season….I don’t even know how to adequately put it into words. I love the psalms because no matter how you are feeling, you can in God’s word, someone who has experienced the same emotions you are feeling. I feel so far from God lately. I feel like my flesh has grown into a mighty mountain that overpowers and overshadow my spirit. The thing about this, is when it happens I can see it so clearly. It’s like I am lying down on the ground and watching the fertilizer pour down on top of me, like Alice in Wonderland, I just keep growing and growing – and if I would just roll over out of the way I could stop it – but I don’t. When I feel like this, I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to read the word…but the contradiction is i don’t want to feel this way either. I’m angry, so angry. I am frustrated. I’m dissatisfied. I feel hopeless often. Everything seems to be just out of alignment and some things seem to be falling to pieces. I feel like a failure. I feel unqualified to do anything for the Lord. I feel like I fail him daily, hour by hour. I use to go through this every couple months, but before this happened this time, I had escaped this pit for quite some time. I remember thinking, “wow – have I finally overcome that battle with my flesh,”. And it wasn’t a month later that this battle came in like a flood. And now here I am, drowning. I know the answers to this problem are simple, but from underneath the water – they seem to allude me. Does anyone else feel like this ever? I feel like I am saying, “Hello God, are you there, It’s me, Rebecca,” except I know good and well He is there, but my flesh has grown into such a monster that it doesn’t want to hear anything or read anything or see anything or feel anything from Him….why???

 

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

Psalm 6

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