For the past for weeks I have been going through a weird time, season….I don’t even know how to adequately put it into words. I love the psalms because no matter how you are feeling, you can in God’s word, someone who has experienced the same emotions you are feeling. I feel so far from God lately. I feel like my flesh has grown into a mighty mountain that overpowers and overshadow my spirit. The thing about this, is when it happens I can see it so clearly. It’s like I am lying down on the ground and watching the fertilizer pour down on top of me, like Alice in Wonderland, I just keep growing and growing – and if I would just roll over out of the way I could stop it – but I don’t. When I feel like this, I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to read the word…but the contradiction is i don’t want to feel this way either. I’m angry, so angry. I am frustrated. I’m dissatisfied. I feel hopeless often. Everything seems to be just out of alignment and some things seem to be falling to pieces. I feel like a failure. I feel unqualified to do anything for the Lord. I feel like I fail him daily, hour by hour. I use to go through this every couple months, but before this happened this time, I had escaped this pit for quite some time. I remember thinking, “wow – have I finally overcome that battle with my flesh,”. And it wasn’t a month later that this battle came in like a flood. And now here I am, drowning. I know the answers to this problem are simple, but from underneath the water – they seem to allude me. Does anyone else feel like this ever? I feel like I am saying, “Hello God, are you there, It’s me, Rebecca,” except I know good and well He is there, but my flesh has grown into such a monster that it doesn’t want to hear anything or read anything or see anything or feel anything from Him….why???
1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?