Standing under the shadow of clouds

There’s something about clouds. A cloud can be so magnificent and large, so tiny and humble. How is that so? That they take on character and shapes to match. One time I laid in the field with Noah. For 30 minutes at least. And we watched the clouds. I expected to watch them roll across the sky. But as we watched them slowly stroll along – they suddenly just dissipated into thin air. It took me by surprise.

One of my most favorite things in the world, is when you can see the shadow of clouds on rolling green hills. There’s something magical about that to me. Every time I see it I wish I could lay there, on that hill. Watching the clouds roll by, or puff away.

Standing under the shadow of clouds. 

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Here and There….

everything is scattered. everything. thoughts. words. ideas. revelation. i need a system. for like, everything. 

i need to commit. to a blog. to a schedule. to habits.

i can’t even commit to capitalization in this blog apparently.

where to start, the real question….

well. i guess the answer is really always the same. we walk away from it and as it fades into the distance and we squint our eyes we lose sight of the blurry truth we know to be true. 

and so here i am again. back at the start. 

one way. one truth. just Jesus. 

ahh, the “capital”. 

maybe that’s the way all these scattered things are. maybe i’m not lost, and maybe i’m not afraid to commit. maybe i’m just waiting for a reason worth doing so.

that is crap. there’s a million reasons. love. joy. peace. happiness. peace of mind.

to live a life worthy of the high call.

to rise up and refuse to let my children settle in the wake of bad decisions and generational influences.

to be the city on a hill. light of the world.

and there we are again, that one thing Mary knew…..Jesus. 

 

so that’s where i am starting. going to sit at His feet. rest in Him. await further instructions.

Are You There God, It’s Me, Rebecca…..

For the past for weeks I have been going through a weird time, season….I don’t even know how to adequately put it into words. I love the psalms because no matter how you are feeling, you can in God’s word, someone who has experienced the same emotions you are feeling. I feel so far from God lately. I feel like my flesh has grown into a mighty mountain that overpowers and overshadow my spirit. The thing about this, is when it happens I can see it so clearly. It’s like I am lying down on the ground and watching the fertilizer pour down on top of me, like Alice in Wonderland, I just keep growing and growing – and if I would just roll over out of the way I could stop it – but I don’t. When I feel like this, I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to read the word…but the contradiction is i don’t want to feel this way either. I’m angry, so angry. I am frustrated. I’m dissatisfied. I feel hopeless often. Everything seems to be just out of alignment and some things seem to be falling to pieces. I feel like a failure. I feel unqualified to do anything for the Lord. I feel like I fail him daily, hour by hour. I use to go through this every couple months, but before this happened this time, I had escaped this pit for quite some time. I remember thinking, “wow – have I finally overcome that battle with my flesh,”. And it wasn’t a month later that this battle came in like a flood. And now here I am, drowning. I know the answers to this problem are simple, but from underneath the water – they seem to allude me. Does anyone else feel like this ever? I feel like I am saying, “Hello God, are you there, It’s me, Rebecca,” except I know good and well He is there, but my flesh has grown into such a monster that it doesn’t want to hear anything or read anything or see anything or feel anything from Him….why???

 

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

Psalm 6